I really debated about whether to do this post.
I finally decided that, since I started this blog as a way to help and encourage other single women considering adoption, as well as an online journal, that I should go ahead and do it. I know I always appreciated (and still do) reading the nitty gritty--- not just the happy endings.
A few weeks ago (actually, the same day as the John Denver experience) I went to visit a friend and
her little boy in the hospital (he's fine now). While there, she mentioned that her caseworker told her
of a situation involving a baby in need of a family. I told her I was interested. She sent a message to her caseworker, but it was 530 on a Friday so we, understandably, didn't hear back. All weekend.
By Monday I had convinced myself that they had found a family for baby girl. Many emails and texts between my core girls later, I had the phone number of the agency and was told they were expecting my call! Enter the whirlwind! Baby girl, J, was still in need of a family! There were some medical concerns, so the caseworker sent me some files to look at. I spent all day Monday trying to find someone to look at those files! Very nerve wracking! My decision on whether to move forward or not was contingent on what was in the medical mumbo jumbo. At this point, I was under the impression I was the only family interested in J.
That night, after getting opinions from two different professionals, was spent in prayer, tears, worry, doubt, and more prayers. I think I got about 4 hours of sleep. By morning, I had come to the
realization that J's needs were not enough to make me walk away. I talked to 2 single mom buddies and my parents to make sure I was making a solid decision. I called the agency Tuesday morning to let them know that I was all in. They had me email a letter to J's mom and bring a copy of my profile book for them to show her. I now knew that there had been a few other interested families, but mom didn't feel they were a good fit. On Wednesday, when I talked to the caseworker, I found out, due to outreach programs, there were many, many families interested in J. The caseworker was meeting with mom on Thursday and would be taking books to present. I was told to not expect to hear anything till Friday.
Talk about stressful! Mom, Dad and I were all on pins and needles. We all felt a connection to this baby. It was so easy to see her as part of our family and lives. We were not oblivious to her possible
special needs, but were ready to do whatever was needed to give her the best life possible and help her to reach her highest potential.
Friday afternoon I received an email that mom needed more time. She had passed on some people and had taken other books home for the weekend. My book was one of the ones she still had with her! Hope and excitement were high! That weekend was pretty surreal---- going through my days, holding a garage sale (thanks again for all your help Mom and Kathy!), doing typical stuff.....but all the while wondering if this was it.
Monday morning I received an email that mom had chosen to go with another family.
Hard news to receive. I was sad and disappointed. But not devastated. How could I possibly question the decision that J's mom made when she took 4 days to make it? She obviously made the choice that she felt was best for her daughter.
And as much as J felt like she was meant to be ours......she obviously wasn't. I know there was meaning to this whole journey....hope? Knowledge that I won't be instantly passed over for being single? Discovery of the depth of the love and support of my family and core girls? Maybe all 3.
What I do know is that the baby that I am meant to love and raise is still out there. So I'll keep waiting. And hoping. And praying.
Feel free to join me.
