On becoming neurotic

For those getting ready to embark on the adoption journey---be prepared. When I started, I thought the homestudy was going to be the hardest part. If you're not familiar with the adoption process, the homestudy is not just when the social worker comes to visit your house. That is part of it, just not anywhere near all of it. I'll have to do a post on my timeline to give you a better feel for it.

Anyway, I thought the homestudy was going to be the hard part. People told me the waiting was the hardest, but I just didn't get it. I mean, I have waited for things my whole life. I can wait. No big deal.

Ok...I'll admit it. I was wrong. Way wrong. The waiting is so hard! I am a type A, anal retentive over planner. Waiting for something like this just does not mesh well with my personality. Because I have NO control or power, I am becoming neurotic about reading into things and looking for signs. Case worker didn't answer my "just saying hi" email? Maybe they've found me a baby but don't want to say anything yet. Case worker sends an email asking for clarification on what I could accept in the baby's medical history? Maybe they have someone in mind for me. Case worker sends a short reply to an email I sent? Maybe she's tired of me and debating the merits of working with me (My email history with my case worker might deserve a post all it's own). As for the signs--- see 3 red haired little boys while out shopping and become convinced that, not only am I getting a boy, he's going to have red hair. While driving out to my parent's house (in a rural town at dusk) I thought "if I see a deer it will mean the baby is coming soon". An entire HERD crossed the road in front of me. I was pretty sure the call was coming the next day! (It didn't)

So, anyway...for you newbies....be prepared. You'll start this journey as reasonably sane, together people. Just don't assume you'll stay that way. :)

Fair warning

All right. So, one of the reasons I started this blog was (hopefully) to help people like me. Single ladies adopting domestically. What I have found so far on this journey is that the waiting is the hardest part. By a lot. In my search for blogs to read ('cause misery loves company), I'm finding that not many of them spend much time discussing the waiting. Well, except for those ladies who adopted from China. They had insanely long waits! Thank you Catherine and Krista for sharing all you went through (I know there are many more but these are the two I first became obsessed...umm, interested in). When I'm having a rough day, feeling like I can't wait much longer...reading some of their pages gives me strength to carry on.

Anyway, what all this rambling is building towards is a warning. There are probably going to be quite a few posts dealing with the waiting, and the uncertainty, and the lack of control, and the general suckiness (blogger says that's not a word but it should be) of being in limbo to become a mom.  So, feel free to jump ship and tune back in when the skies are sunny again. Or if, like me, you're looking for someone to vicariously share your down days with...pull up a comfy chair and stay a while. I promise they won't ALL be DebbieDowner posts (I am by nature a pretty positive, look for the silver lining even when it's hiding kind of gal). There's a lot of good going on in my little world right now, too. It's just that some days the gloom over takes me and the best way for me to get it out is to write about it. So...you've been warned. :)

Feeling like Eeyore

So, I just spent my weekend working on the baby's room. Pulling out carpet and padding, adding a new coat of paint to the walls, painting the door and trim and putting Kilz paint down on the floor. Busy hands....but my brain had plenty of time to wander. And think.

When I began this adoption process, I knew it would not be easy. I knew it would not be quick (as much as I want it to be). What I did not anticipate was how lonely I'd feel. The majority of the time, when I attend adoption events or read blogs or read books, it is assumed that I am pursuing adoption due to fertility issues. Which assumes that I have a partner, that I had the chance to even try. Don't get me wrong...I don't wish infertility and it's accompanying heartache on myself or anyone. But days like today, when I'm spending a butt load of time getting ready for a baby I don't even know for sure is coming...it would be so nice to have someone walking this road with me. Yes, I have my amazing and wonderful and incredibly supportive parents who are on this journey with me. Their road, however, runs slightly parallel to mine; their road includes concern that maybe I'll get hurt. While I share everything with my parents, I don't always let them know how scared I am that this might not happen. I figure they might have the same fear and carrying mine along with theirs seems too much to ask. Yes, I have a group of wonderful and supportive friends who I could reach out to at any time. But they have lives and families and children of their own and I'm sure I must sound like an obsessive broken record by now. What I don't have is someone to whisper my fears to at night or someone by my side to share the memories of the daily nitty gritty involved in becoming a parent through adoption.

So, yes, infertility sucks. Big time. But, it's not the only reason someone is led to adoption. Sometimes adoption is someone's first choice. And sometimes, even when adoption is your first choice, it's also your only choice. And some days, when you can't even see the tunnel let alone the light at the end of it, having it be your only choice kind of sucks.

It had to go somewhere....

This is what happened to my living room when I had to empty out the baby's room to take the carpet out. My original plan had been to move everything back after I got the floor painted, but now I'm thinking I must have been high! As much as I love that room, I am NOT into creating more work for myself! The stuff is all mostly out of my way, so as long as install will be in the next week, I can live like this until the new carpet is in. 

Interesting side note---I drive one of our 5th graders to school twice a week. She's sweet, but also not all that perceptive. She hasn't said anything about the baby's room (although she doesn't go down the hall so can't see a whole lot from the front door) or the strollers in the garage. I haven't told her about the baby yet because I didn't want her to have to keep a secret that big (I haven't told the kids because I figured waiting for an unknown length of time would be too hard). I have a feeling she's going to figure it out come Tuesday morning, though, when she sees my new decorating style. :)

It's coming!

This is the reason I spent my Saturday demolishing the baby's room--- the new carpet is in!! Although it just about made me cry to undo all my work from last weekend, it will be worth it once the new carpet is installed. The store called yesterday to let me know my order was in, so the install company should be calling Monday or Tuesday to set up an install time. I wanted to have time to paint the baseboards, touch up the walls and put Kilz down on the subfloor so that phone call determined my plans for this weekend. Nesting is sure hard work!

That's one way to spend a Saturday...

From this

to this, took about 2 hours. 

A few special touches...

These little boxes of books were my dad's when he was little. Once I came along, they sat in my room  until I was in college. Now they will be passed to a new generation.

The tractor was also my dad's. It sat on a shelf in my room for as long as I can remember. The clock was mine. It doesn't keep time any more, but still plays the Mickey Mouse theme song (although slowly). My mom always teased that Goofy was my dad---after many years of trying, my parents received some Disney magic while at Disneyland. I figure, maybe there's a little Disney magic left for me. 

Still more nursery...

This little chair used to be in my classroom, but was too cute to not swipe. :) I'm thinking future reading or time out chair.

They make stickers for diaper pails! 

How cute is this bin? It's the baby's hamper.

More nursery

My mom made the covers for the rocker and glider. The bookcase already contains a ton of books bought especially for the baby. The snowflake is from a special little friend at school who gave it to the baby.

I found this rocker at a consignment store and just could not resist!

Ta Da!

So, thanks to a friend's husband (thanks Deron!), I'm finally able to post pictures! Woo HOO! Here's the view of the nursery (and Cooper supervising) from the hallway. The crib and the changing table were gifts from my parents.

I tried, I really did....

Ok, so I was all set to upload pics of the almost finished nursery (just waiting on new carpet which won't even be in until the end of the month). I have spent the last hour trying to figure out how to upload pics. No matter what I do (enable pop ups from blogger, switch browser to Google Chrome, update Google Chrome) I cannot access the icon or whatever it's called to upload pics. The big square field where I type covers it. I am way frustrated! I sent google an email, but am not holding out much hope for a response. If anyone knows how to fix this, PLEASE let me know. This blog will be no fun for me (and/or possibly you) if I can't put pictures on!

It's nice to have someone watching your back

So, today I had the installers coming to measure the baby's room for the new carpet. It was a bit of a trial getting it scheduled (apparently, there ARE people who can leave work midday with 3 hours notice). We finally settled on 4:45 today. I teach an after school group on Mondays, so couldn't leave till 4:15. I got a call from the installer at 4:10 asking if I happened to be home. Ummm....nope. Told him I'd be home in about 20 minutes. He said he was going to go get a tea or something and I told him I'd call when I was close to home. I made it home by 4:35 and he was sitting out front waiting for me so I figured we were good to go. Backstory---my neighbor is a former police officer, current firefighter. Unbeknownst to me, install guy had followed her into our neighborhood, driving slowly behind her. He drove around the block a few times then parked in front of my house. And sat. She did what any self respecting single woman with police training who watches out for her equally single neighbor would do......she wrote down his license plate and called the cops. :) She tried calling to tell me this when I first got home..but he was coming up the steps and the dogs were going bonkers so I told her I'd call her back. Guy gets done measuring and goes out to truck to fill out paperwork. I call neighbor back. About the time she's telling me she called the cops on him, they pull up behind him! No sirens, but lights flashing. They must have run the plates or something because, by the time I got outside to do some 'splainin', they had left. Nice to know I'm loved and cared for and watched over. :)

I'm baaaaack

Well, I never really left. Was waiting to post till I figured out how to add pictures cause those are always way more fun to read. But, as you can see, I didn't get it figured out yet. I thought I should post something, just in case anyone actually reads this blog they'd know I didn't join the circus or anything. :) Anyway, here's what's been happening in my little world: * Found out my uncle does have cancer of the esophagus. He will have a PET scan on Wednesday, and they will determine treatment after that. Right now, the doctor is thinking radiation and maybe chemo. My aunt may have asthma---they are trying a few new things. Continued prayers for both of them would be greatly appreciated. * I went to an adoptive parent training class today on how to talk to your child about adoption. There was a live panel (as opposed to a dead panel?) of 6 adults who were all adopted. It was so neat to be able to ask them questions. The best part was that they all saw adoption as a positive thing. So often, I see stories or discussions by folks who are very negative and bitter about adoption. It was refreshing to see a group of been there, done that people who told the positive side. * I got the nursery set up! Full post on that, with an extra post devoted solely to my dresser drama, to come once I figure out the picture thing. * I really can't tell you what I've been doing with my time but, judging by the pile of laundry, stack of papers to be graded, layer of dust and general ickiness of my house....it must have been something good. :) * Angel bunny is holding her own. She seems to kind of like her new location in the house-- maybe because she gets more sunlight and is closer to the action in the front of the house. She's eating pretty well, grooming as best she can and some of her sassiness is showing through again. Looks like we'll be on the roller coaster for a while longer. * Found out today that THREE of the families in our Waiting to Adopt support group have gotten their babies! I am SO happy for them. I am most happy for one of the families---they had a match a few months ago, but the expectant birth mother had a change of heart and decided to parent her child. Turns out, 8 weeks later, the birth mom found that she just couldn't care for him and placed him with them after all! Sure, they missed time with him, but, he was the baby of their hearts and now he's home with them! So, there's a little recap of my life. Pretty much just workin' and waitin'.

Prayers needed...

Tonight, as I was driving home, I had what I call a guardian angel moment. One of those times when you're compelled to do something and you don't know why. You do it anyway and then find out the reason. Some people call it coincidence, I prefer to think of it as something more. Anyway, tonight I was struck with an urge to call my aunt and uncle. I go visit them for about a week every summer and we usually email the rest of the year. Tonight, I just couldn't get past the thought that I should call. I did, and received some scary news. Neither one is doing very well. My aunt has had breathing issues since last fall and, starting this summer, issues with retaining water. She is really not feeling well now, has gained 20 pounds in water, has been to numerous doctors and had tons of tests....no one is able to tell her what's going on. My uncle was hospitalized this week. He's been feeling poorly, has had trouble eating and has lost about 20 pounds. The doctors did a scope and found a tumor in his esophagus that they believe is cancer. They biopsied it and should have results Tuesday. He's also fallen a couple of times and is using a walker to get around. My aunt and uncle are both around 80, but have always been very vibrant, active people. Just this past summer, my uncle was still doing his own car repairs. I don't know how many people actually read this blog, but if all of you who do could take a moment to send up prayers (or simply good wishes if you're not religious) for health and healing for my aunt and uncle, I'd really appreciate it. They really mean a lot to me and it scares me to think that my child might not ever get to meet them.... Oh, and the next time your guardian angel whispers to you, be sure to listen. I'm sure glad I listened tonight.