Decisions

Every baby is a new beginning. A new life full of promise. A new soul seeking love and guidance.

If you know me at all, you know I tend to over think things. A lot. This whole adoption process has not been any different. Heck, this post isn't any different. It's been kicking around in my head for a while now while I debated whether or not to write it. But, my fondest hope for this blog is to offer hope and guidance and beentheredonethat-ness to someone else just starting on their journey. So, here goes.

The toughest part of this process for me (other than the no end in sight waiting) has just recently developed. After Baby J, I entered the world of adoption networking. I follow situation sites. I signed on (at the recommendation of my case worker) with a referral agency.  What this means is, instead of just waiting for a wehaveyourbaby call (which could still happen through my agency) I am now looking at situations (postings of babies needing a family--usually not born yet) and having to decide whether to respond and request my profile be shown. Now, I have some pretty high morals and ethics which have served me well, up to this point. Right now, they are driving my mother crazy. She's more of a "cast your net wide" kind of gal. Drove her nuts when I would only date one guy at a time. (Not that I'm done dating, but nobody is beating down the door currently) My take on responding to situations is pretty similar to the one I have concerning "adult interactions" (never know who is or may someday read this so will be careful). I have always believed that you should not "interact" unless you are prepared to be called Mom or Dad. Cause no matter how careful you are, the chance always exists that a baby could surprise you. In deciding whether to be shown, I feel the same way. There is NO guarantee when being shown that I will be chosen. But what if I am? I need to feel pretty confident in my ability to parent that child and have a relationship with his/her first family (cause no matter how soon after birth that baby is placed in my arms, he/she will still have a history with another family). I feel that once chosen I will have made a commitment to that mother and would feel horrible backing out, even if it's justified. (My mom is fond of reminding me that the mother can change her mind at any time so I should be able to as well. I know she's right. ) What this means, of course, is that I obsess over each situation and whether or not to be shown. And then, if I do decide to be shown, I worry about whether or not to respond to other situations while waiting to hear back on the first one. This is what bugs my mom. I'm not casting a net, I'm fishing with one pole. (And don't make the assumption that there's situations coming up left and right. There's not. But it has happened a couple of times now)

So, anyway, if you were thinking that adoption is the "easy" way to have a baby, or if you thought the process was simple and filled with sunshine and butterflies...here's a post that proves otherwise. It's hard. It's stressful. It's filled with paperwork and intrusive questions and lots of other somebody's who get to make the final decision on whether or not I'll get to be a mom.  

Will it all be worth it when I have that child that calls me Mama? Oh, definitely! But, in the meantime, if you see me and I seem scattered and like I'm functioning with half a brain...I am. 

And now you know why. :)