On becoming neurotic

For those getting ready to embark on the adoption journey---be prepared. When I started, I thought the homestudy was going to be the hardest part. If you're not familiar with the adoption process, the homestudy is not just when the social worker comes to visit your house. That is part of it, just not anywhere near all of it. I'll have to do a post on my timeline to give you a better feel for it.

Anyway, I thought the homestudy was going to be the hard part. People told me the waiting was the hardest, but I just didn't get it. I mean, I have waited for things my whole life. I can wait. No big deal.

Ok...I'll admit it. I was wrong. Way wrong. The waiting is so hard! I am a type A, anal retentive over planner. Waiting for something like this just does not mesh well with my personality. Because I have NO control or power, I am becoming neurotic about reading into things and looking for signs. Case worker didn't answer my "just saying hi" email? Maybe they've found me a baby but don't want to say anything yet. Case worker sends an email asking for clarification on what I could accept in the baby's medical history? Maybe they have someone in mind for me. Case worker sends a short reply to an email I sent? Maybe she's tired of me and debating the merits of working with me (My email history with my case worker might deserve a post all it's own). As for the signs--- see 3 red haired little boys while out shopping and become convinced that, not only am I getting a boy, he's going to have red hair. While driving out to my parent's house (in a rural town at dusk) I thought "if I see a deer it will mean the baby is coming soon". An entire HERD crossed the road in front of me. I was pretty sure the call was coming the next day! (It didn't)

So, anyway...for you newbies....be prepared. You'll start this journey as reasonably sane, together people. Just don't assume you'll stay that way. :)

Fair warning

All right. So, one of the reasons I started this blog was (hopefully) to help people like me. Single ladies adopting domestically. What I have found so far on this journey is that the waiting is the hardest part. By a lot. In my search for blogs to read ('cause misery loves company), I'm finding that not many of them spend much time discussing the waiting. Well, except for those ladies who adopted from China. They had insanely long waits! Thank you Catherine and Krista for sharing all you went through (I know there are many more but these are the two I first became obsessed...umm, interested in). When I'm having a rough day, feeling like I can't wait much longer...reading some of their pages gives me strength to carry on.

Anyway, what all this rambling is building towards is a warning. There are probably going to be quite a few posts dealing with the waiting, and the uncertainty, and the lack of control, and the general suckiness (blogger says that's not a word but it should be) of being in limbo to become a mom.  So, feel free to jump ship and tune back in when the skies are sunny again. Or if, like me, you're looking for someone to vicariously share your down days with...pull up a comfy chair and stay a while. I promise they won't ALL be DebbieDowner posts (I am by nature a pretty positive, look for the silver lining even when it's hiding kind of gal). There's a lot of good going on in my little world right now, too. It's just that some days the gloom over takes me and the best way for me to get it out is to write about it. So...you've been warned. :)

Feeling like Eeyore

So, I just spent my weekend working on the baby's room. Pulling out carpet and padding, adding a new coat of paint to the walls, painting the door and trim and putting Kilz paint down on the floor. Busy hands....but my brain had plenty of time to wander. And think.

When I began this adoption process, I knew it would not be easy. I knew it would not be quick (as much as I want it to be). What I did not anticipate was how lonely I'd feel. The majority of the time, when I attend adoption events or read blogs or read books, it is assumed that I am pursuing adoption due to fertility issues. Which assumes that I have a partner, that I had the chance to even try. Don't get me wrong...I don't wish infertility and it's accompanying heartache on myself or anyone. But days like today, when I'm spending a butt load of time getting ready for a baby I don't even know for sure is coming...it would be so nice to have someone walking this road with me. Yes, I have my amazing and wonderful and incredibly supportive parents who are on this journey with me. Their road, however, runs slightly parallel to mine; their road includes concern that maybe I'll get hurt. While I share everything with my parents, I don't always let them know how scared I am that this might not happen. I figure they might have the same fear and carrying mine along with theirs seems too much to ask. Yes, I have a group of wonderful and supportive friends who I could reach out to at any time. But they have lives and families and children of their own and I'm sure I must sound like an obsessive broken record by now. What I don't have is someone to whisper my fears to at night or someone by my side to share the memories of the daily nitty gritty involved in becoming a parent through adoption.

So, yes, infertility sucks. Big time. But, it's not the only reason someone is led to adoption. Sometimes adoption is someone's first choice. And sometimes, even when adoption is your first choice, it's also your only choice. And some days, when you can't even see the tunnel let alone the light at the end of it, having it be your only choice kind of sucks.

It had to go somewhere....

This is what happened to my living room when I had to empty out the baby's room to take the carpet out. My original plan had been to move everything back after I got the floor painted, but now I'm thinking I must have been high! As much as I love that room, I am NOT into creating more work for myself! The stuff is all mostly out of my way, so as long as install will be in the next week, I can live like this until the new carpet is in. 

Interesting side note---I drive one of our 5th graders to school twice a week. She's sweet, but also not all that perceptive. She hasn't said anything about the baby's room (although she doesn't go down the hall so can't see a whole lot from the front door) or the strollers in the garage. I haven't told her about the baby yet because I didn't want her to have to keep a secret that big (I haven't told the kids because I figured waiting for an unknown length of time would be too hard). I have a feeling she's going to figure it out come Tuesday morning, though, when she sees my new decorating style. :)

It's coming!

This is the reason I spent my Saturday demolishing the baby's room--- the new carpet is in!! Although it just about made me cry to undo all my work from last weekend, it will be worth it once the new carpet is installed. The store called yesterday to let me know my order was in, so the install company should be calling Monday or Tuesday to set up an install time. I wanted to have time to paint the baseboards, touch up the walls and put Kilz down on the subfloor so that phone call determined my plans for this weekend. Nesting is sure hard work!

That's one way to spend a Saturday...

From this

to this, took about 2 hours. 

A few special touches...

These little boxes of books were my dad's when he was little. Once I came along, they sat in my room  until I was in college. Now they will be passed to a new generation.

The tractor was also my dad's. It sat on a shelf in my room for as long as I can remember. The clock was mine. It doesn't keep time any more, but still plays the Mickey Mouse theme song (although slowly). My mom always teased that Goofy was my dad---after many years of trying, my parents received some Disney magic while at Disneyland. I figure, maybe there's a little Disney magic left for me.