Baby J

I really debated about whether to do this post. 

I finally decided that, since I started this blog as a way to help and encourage other single women considering adoption, as well as an online journal, that I should go ahead and do it. I know I always appreciated (and still do) reading the nitty gritty--- not just the happy endings.

A few weeks ago (actually, the same day as the John Denver experience) I went to visit a friend and
her little boy in the hospital (he's fine now). While there, she mentioned that her caseworker told her
of a situation involving a baby in need of a family. I told her I was interested. She sent a message to her caseworker, but it was 530 on a Friday so we, understandably, didn't hear back. All weekend.

By Monday I had convinced myself that they had found a family for baby girl. Many emails and texts between my core girls later, I had the phone number of the agency and was told they were expecting my call! Enter the whirlwind! Baby girl, J, was still in need of a family! There were some medical concerns, so the caseworker sent me some files to look at. I spent all day Monday trying to find someone to look at those files! Very nerve wracking! My decision on whether to move forward or not was contingent on what was in the medical mumbo  jumbo. At this point, I was under the impression I was the only family interested in J. 

That night, after getting opinions from two different professionals, was spent in prayer, tears, worry, doubt, and more prayers. I think I got about 4 hours of sleep. By morning, I had come to the
realization that J's needs were not enough to make me walk away. I talked to 2 single mom buddies and my parents to make sure I was making a solid decision. I called the agency Tuesday morning to let them know that I was all in. They had me email a letter to J's mom and bring a copy of my profile book for them to show her. I now knew that there had been a few other interested families, but mom didn't feel they were a good fit. On Wednesday, when I talked to the caseworker, I found out, due to outreach programs, there were many, many families interested in J. The caseworker was meeting with mom on Thursday and would be taking books to present. I was told to not expect to hear anything till Friday.

Talk about stressful! Mom, Dad and I were all on pins and needles. We all felt a connection to this baby. It was so easy to see her as part of our family and lives. We were not oblivious to her possible
special needs, but were ready to do whatever was needed to give her the best life possible and help her to reach her highest potential.

Friday afternoon I received an email that mom needed more time. She had passed on some people and had taken other books home for the weekend. My book was one of the ones she still had with her! Hope and excitement were high! That weekend was pretty surreal---- going through my days, holding a garage sale (thanks again for all your help Mom and Kathy!), doing typical stuff.....but all the while wondering if this was it.

Monday morning I received an email that mom had chosen to go with another family.

Hard news to receive. I was sad and disappointed. But not devastated. How could I possibly question the decision that J's mom made when she took 4 days to make it? She obviously made the choice that she felt was best for her daughter.

And as much as J felt like she was meant to be ours......she obviously wasn't. I know there was meaning to this whole journey....hope? Knowledge that I won't be instantly passed over for being single? Discovery of the depth of the love and support of my family and core girls? Maybe all 3.

What I do know is that the baby that I am meant to love and raise is still out there. So I'll keep waiting. And hoping. And praying.

Feel free to join me.

What if?

And even though it didn't, wow what a ride!

Waiting

As I have every night since Monday.

Signs and hope

So, I'm a big believer in signs. I'm also pretty superstitious and haven't quite given up on Santa...so read on at your own risk. :)

Every once in a while, I have a doubting day where it's hard to imagine this baby dream ever becoming a reality. (8 months only seems like a short amount of time when you're not in the midst of waiting for something miraculous to happen) On those doubting days, I ask for a sign to show me that I'm on the right path. Now granted, I WATCH for them.....but they do generally appear when I ask. Like the day I found the adoption success stories book at the dollar store and it was the only copy they had. Or, when out to dinner on my birthday, and the song playing as we entered the restaurant had the words "I must have done something right for you to come into my life". Or the dreams about my baby that other people keep having. But the best one, so far, happened yesterday.

I was at a class that I'm taking this summer about technology and the 21st century learner. They had us download a book onto our iPads. The intro to the book had an audio/video portion. When it came time for us to read the first chapter, I put my earbuds in and tapped the book to start. The intro plays, I'm watching a picture of the earth revolving and then the picture changes to a watercolor-y type silhouette of a person and a John Denver song starts playing. I recognize the song as one I downloaded for the baby because it seemed to fit. The title is The Gift You Are. I was thinking how cool it was that the author chose this song to go with the first chapter. But, as the song continued to play, I worried I wouldn't have enough time to read the chapter. I asked the instructor how to skip the rest of the song. That's when I found out NOBODY else got the John Denver song. My IPad somehow combined the book and the song. I swear I didn't touch it after I tapped the book icon! So see....my sign I asked for!

Oh....and please send prayers, good thoughts, good mojo, whatever you are best at and believe in for a new friend. She's going through a tough time and may be doing it alone. I'm sure she could use our love.

A gift

I got a gift for my birthday today. (Not THAT one--I would not be this calm, trust me!) As a kindergarten teacher, I do a lot for my kids that I figure they will never remember. We make butter and have Polar Express day and the leprechauns visit and we do jellybean math and raise butterflies and make bug shirts and so much more. It's time consuming and hectic and I do it because I love them and I want them to see school as an exciting, wonderful, magical place. But I don't figure they'll remember all that we did. And I really don't think they'll remember much about me.

A few weeks ago, I had a message on my voicemail at school. Turns out a former student wanted me to call her. It took a while to touch base, but, boy was it worth it. 

Tonight I got the best gift---I attended her high school graduation. This little girl, who was in my first kindergarten class, wanted ME to be at her graduation. 

So, if you ever wonder if all the time and money and energy and devotion and occasional heartache are worth it.......

                                               ...yeah, it's worth it. Because, sometimes, they do remember.

Goodbye 2012/13

As a teacher, my year does not begin on Jan. 1 like the rest of the world. My years begin in August and end, in a sense, in June. Each August I make my new year resolutions (I will refile papers every week, I will grade papers and pass them back every week, I will not make piles behind the Smartboard....) and by October I've usually broken every one. 

Every year in May I start feeling like time is moving too fast. I didn't get things done I wanted to do, concepts taught that I wanted the kids to know. Mostly, though, I'm regretting  that my time with my current class is drawing to a close. I've spent about 1,300 hours with these little people and I've grown to love them. They are a part of me and forever will be. 

This year, my class presented me a group gift of a "summer fun" basket. After the last book was read and the last hug given, I returned to my messy, empty classroom and looked in the basket. My room mom, sweet, sweet woman that she is, included my girls in my end of year gift. Yes, there were goodies for me....but the girls got goodies too! The picture above shows them checking out their loot.

This year, as I close out my room and finish report cards, I wonder if this will be my last summer of just me and the girls. I hope so. And if it is (but really, even if it's not) I'm so touched that my girls were thought of with such love.