She definitely was!

Nov. 19, 2013........best and most memorable day ever!

Every day since then has been full and busy and amazing and wonderful. And I know I owe like a thousand updates....but right now I'm cuddling my girl. I'll update eventually. :)

Nov. 19

Nov. 17

Nov. 4

Nov. 1

Oct. 31

Oct. 30

Oct. 27

For a friend

Thought for today

A reminder

And the wait continues

Today's message

I needed this today. Maybe you do, too.

Still waiting

Yes, it will all be worth it........

                      But that does not make it any easier right now. 

I am not a very patient person. I am the kid who unwrapped all her Christmas presents one year to see what was inside and then wrapped them back up cause Christmas was still a week away. 

I've been patient because I've had to be. But it's getting really old. 

Somehow, I don't think God listens to whiners. 

Guess I'll go shop.

And maybe work on birth announcements. They're cute! Can't wait to show them to you! But....that would involve the baby being here.

See.....now you're impatient too.

Misery loves company. Mission accomplished. :)

The downside

Quite possibly the biggest downside to teaching? Those cute, witty, wonderful little people I get to spend my day with are germ factories. They may not share toys or spots in line or materials well but boy, oh boy, do they know how to share germs. I'm not as sick as I could be but, after dealing with congestion and nose yuck for a week and a headache for 2 days...I'm still ready to be done being sick. 

Final words for the night

And that pretty much sums it up.

Test

Can you spot the difference between these two photos? (Furry photo bombers don't count) 

Hint: It took me most of the summer, but it was worth it!

End of a long day

Pretty much sums up my thoughts at the end of a 13 hour day. We had Back to School Night. I had a Smartboard presentation and a video the kids made. Getting that video made almost killed me---but was so worth it when I noticed parents videotaping the video. :) 

Congrats!

Sending congrats to a very special friend! So excited and happy for her and her husband!

And, because I know she visits my blog when she can, a message just for her:

We are truly happy and excited for you. You DO deserve this. We would not trade places with you---he was meant to be YOUR son. The waiting sucks...and it is oh so hard most days...but we have to believe there is a grander plan (and it better be good!). Someday it will be our turns. And we know you will rejoice then just as we do now. Enjoy him. Enjoy this time. It's what we want for you. 

Thanks Pinterest!

......And then I went on Pinterest looking for something to cheer me up. These three quotes were among the first 10 I saw.

Just when I needed them. 

Signs.

Pity party alert

All right. I just have to say it. 

I want my baby. I really, really want my baby. I am ready to be a mom.

As much as I love lounging on the couch tonight knowing I don't have to get up early tomorrow and go to work, I would give anything to be sitting on this couch, bone tired, knowing I am not only not going to be sleeping in tomorrow but will also probably not get to even sleep through the night. 

I love my sleep.

I can guarantee I will love my baby more. So much more.

So......I'm ready. Past ready.

Just sayin'.

Tired

You know how sometimes you have to wait awhile before you understand why something did or did not happen? Well.....this week has shown me why my baby did not come to me this summer. I am so unbelievably tired (and it's only Wednesday!). I cannot imagine getting through this week with a newborn/infant and the lack of sleep they bring (don't get me wrong---I would have GLADLY done it if it had worked out that way). So...I guess that's my very thin silver lining for why I am still waiting.

Oh.....and I've decided the first week of kindergarten has got to be like labor. I remember each year that it's hard and that I'm tired but I NEVER remember it being THIS hard or being THIS tired. 

Tidbits

End of day two and I'm in love with them already.

Yep......they're mine.

Decisions

Every baby is a new beginning. A new life full of promise. A new soul seeking love and guidance.

If you know me at all, you know I tend to over think things. A lot. This whole adoption process has not been any different. Heck, this post isn't any different. It's been kicking around in my head for a while now while I debated whether or not to write it. But, my fondest hope for this blog is to offer hope and guidance and beentheredonethat-ness to someone else just starting on their journey. So, here goes.

The toughest part of this process for me (other than the no end in sight waiting) has just recently developed. After Baby J, I entered the world of adoption networking. I follow situation sites. I signed on (at the recommendation of my case worker) with a referral agency.  What this means is, instead of just waiting for a wehaveyourbaby call (which could still happen through my agency) I am now looking at situations (postings of babies needing a family--usually not born yet) and having to decide whether to respond and request my profile be shown. Now, I have some pretty high morals and ethics which have served me well, up to this point. Right now, they are driving my mother crazy. She's more of a "cast your net wide" kind of gal. Drove her nuts when I would only date one guy at a time. (Not that I'm done dating, but nobody is beating down the door currently) My take on responding to situations is pretty similar to the one I have concerning "adult interactions" (never know who is or may someday read this so will be careful). I have always believed that you should not "interact" unless you are prepared to be called Mom or Dad. Cause no matter how careful you are, the chance always exists that a baby could surprise you. In deciding whether to be shown, I feel the same way. There is NO guarantee when being shown that I will be chosen. But what if I am? I need to feel pretty confident in my ability to parent that child and have a relationship with his/her first family (cause no matter how soon after birth that baby is placed in my arms, he/she will still have a history with another family). I feel that once chosen I will have made a commitment to that mother and would feel horrible backing out, even if it's justified. (My mom is fond of reminding me that the mother can change her mind at any time so I should be able to as well. I know she's right. ) What this means, of course, is that I obsess over each situation and whether or not to be shown. And then, if I do decide to be shown, I worry about whether or not to respond to other situations while waiting to hear back on the first one. This is what bugs my mom. I'm not casting a net, I'm fishing with one pole. (And don't make the assumption that there's situations coming up left and right. There's not. But it has happened a couple of times now)

So, anyway, if you were thinking that adoption is the "easy" way to have a baby, or if you thought the process was simple and filled with sunshine and butterflies...here's a post that proves otherwise. It's hard. It's stressful. It's filled with paperwork and intrusive questions and lots of other somebody's who get to make the final decision on whether or not I'll get to be a mom.  

Will it all be worth it when I have that child that calls me Mama? Oh, definitely! But, in the meantime, if you see me and I seem scattered and like I'm functioning with half a brain...I am. 

And now you know why. :)

Too much?

From this.....

...to this. I couldn't zoom in...but they are giraffe drawer pulls! You know I had to have them once I saw them! :) What am I going to do if my future child does not like giraffes?? ( My mom is fond of reminding me that my nursery was decorated in clowns and I can't stand clowns! In my defense....the clown thing is directly linked to a horror movie I saw when I was 9 or 10 so I guess as long as they don't make any scary movies starring giraffes I should be ok)

And, since my new year resolution (teachers make them in the fall since that's how our calendars run :)  ) is to put shopping money into adoption savings, these drawer pulls may be our last "big" purchase for a while. I will be trying really hard to only window shop from now on. 

Yeah....right. :)

Swaddling 101

My good friend A and I went to a baby care class the other night. I had read the book that goes along with the class and found it very informative. A is part of my core and is also in the waiting phase of adoption. My mom and A's husband were not particularly interested in going, and it was the same price for one or two people, so we went together and had a blast. The main take away from the class was learning an "escape proof" swaddle. It was kind of tricky.....and that was with babies who couldn't move! (They were anatomically correct though----that's me with my girl and A with her boy) A says she's been practicing with a doll at home. I'm pretty confident in my doll wrapping skills and feel I should try with something a little more mobile. I wonder if Kadee would let me practice on her? If she can't get out, I'll know for sure it's escape proof!

Sent from my Galaxy S®III

Goodbye Angel Bunny

My opinionated yet sweet, fuzz ball girl passed away yesterday. She was about 2 months shy of her 12th birthday. While I am so very, very glad that she went in her own time, in her own peaceful way, I do feel very guilty that I was not there. I said goodbye to her, and cuddled her, and kissed her nose before I left on this trip.....but I still feel badly that I was not there. My mom cuddled and pet her a lot yesterday morning before it happened, so I know she knew she was not alone. If I had been home though, odds are good I would have woken up to her being gone....and still would have felt guilty. 

It will be weird to go home without her. She was the last of the original four who moved into our first home. May her Rainbow Bridge be somewhere with warmth and sunshine and cilantro and kale and apples, dried apricots and Craisins. And someone to rub her nose every once in a while till I get there.

Fun on the Fourth

Meet my core (minus a few)! I had SOO much fun with them on the fourth! My city was one of the only ones doing a fireworks show due to statewide fire bans. I offered my home as a hang out place. We had 13 adults, 3 babies, 2 dogs and a cat who was not interested in partying in my house before we went to go see fireworks. There was chatting and laughing and eating and the babies helped break in some of our stuff. The jumperoo got an enthusiastic two thumbs up from Baby T Rex!  And I just realized I haven't emptied the diaper pail yet, so the Diaper Genie passes with flying colors, too. We were having so much fun we actually didn't start out for the fireworks in time---we realized our mistake when we started hearing them! Not too big of a problem since we just had to walk up the street about a block to our viewing area. The show continued for quite a while and everyone seemed to enjoy it. Well, except for Baby N---he slept through his first fireworks show. :) 

All in all, the best Fourth I've had in a while!

Sent from my Galaxy S®III

Kadee's New Best Friend

Yes, that's a piece of sand paper she's carrying around.

Same piece, being diligently guarded from attack or thievery. 

I decided to restain the footstool in the baby's room. It's the only thing in there that's light wood; everything else is dark. Yes, I am that anal. It just bugs me. Anyway.....so I get all the supplies out to start sanding the shiny finish off the footstool. There's 2 or 3 sanding sponge thingys, a package of sandpaper and then this loose piece. Kadee went nuts when she saw it. Licking it, guarding it, trying to keep Baylee away from it. When I actually started using the piece...oh my gosh, I wish I would have gotten a picture of her face! You'd have thought I was killing her best friend! I have no idea why she is so attached to this one particular piece of sandpaper, but I've decided it's just not worth the fight. She can have it.

This is totally how parents end up letting their kids carry weird things like scrub brushes and night shirts around, isn't it?? 

I'm doomed.

Surprise signs

Sometimes God and the universe know what I need even before I ask....

This morning I was skipping through Sirius stations. The first three songs I hear: 

     *Somebody's Baby

     *Thinking About You

     *Don't Stop Believing

So, just have to say thanks. :)

Baby J

I really debated about whether to do this post. 

I finally decided that, since I started this blog as a way to help and encourage other single women considering adoption, as well as an online journal, that I should go ahead and do it. I know I always appreciated (and still do) reading the nitty gritty--- not just the happy endings.

A few weeks ago (actually, the same day as the John Denver experience) I went to visit a friend and
her little boy in the hospital (he's fine now). While there, she mentioned that her caseworker told her
of a situation involving a baby in need of a family. I told her I was interested. She sent a message to her caseworker, but it was 530 on a Friday so we, understandably, didn't hear back. All weekend.

By Monday I had convinced myself that they had found a family for baby girl. Many emails and texts between my core girls later, I had the phone number of the agency and was told they were expecting my call! Enter the whirlwind! Baby girl, J, was still in need of a family! There were some medical concerns, so the caseworker sent me some files to look at. I spent all day Monday trying to find someone to look at those files! Very nerve wracking! My decision on whether to move forward or not was contingent on what was in the medical mumbo  jumbo. At this point, I was under the impression I was the only family interested in J. 

That night, after getting opinions from two different professionals, was spent in prayer, tears, worry, doubt, and more prayers. I think I got about 4 hours of sleep. By morning, I had come to the
realization that J's needs were not enough to make me walk away. I talked to 2 single mom buddies and my parents to make sure I was making a solid decision. I called the agency Tuesday morning to let them know that I was all in. They had me email a letter to J's mom and bring a copy of my profile book for them to show her. I now knew that there had been a few other interested families, but mom didn't feel they were a good fit. On Wednesday, when I talked to the caseworker, I found out, due to outreach programs, there were many, many families interested in J. The caseworker was meeting with mom on Thursday and would be taking books to present. I was told to not expect to hear anything till Friday.

Talk about stressful! Mom, Dad and I were all on pins and needles. We all felt a connection to this baby. It was so easy to see her as part of our family and lives. We were not oblivious to her possible
special needs, but were ready to do whatever was needed to give her the best life possible and help her to reach her highest potential.

Friday afternoon I received an email that mom needed more time. She had passed on some people and had taken other books home for the weekend. My book was one of the ones she still had with her! Hope and excitement were high! That weekend was pretty surreal---- going through my days, holding a garage sale (thanks again for all your help Mom and Kathy!), doing typical stuff.....but all the while wondering if this was it.

Monday morning I received an email that mom had chosen to go with another family.

Hard news to receive. I was sad and disappointed. But not devastated. How could I possibly question the decision that J's mom made when she took 4 days to make it? She obviously made the choice that she felt was best for her daughter.

And as much as J felt like she was meant to be ours......she obviously wasn't. I know there was meaning to this whole journey....hope? Knowledge that I won't be instantly passed over for being single? Discovery of the depth of the love and support of my family and core girls? Maybe all 3.

What I do know is that the baby that I am meant to love and raise is still out there. So I'll keep waiting. And hoping. And praying.

Feel free to join me.

What if?

And even though it didn't, wow what a ride!

Waiting

As I have every night since Monday.

Signs and hope

So, I'm a big believer in signs. I'm also pretty superstitious and haven't quite given up on Santa...so read on at your own risk. :)

Every once in a while, I have a doubting day where it's hard to imagine this baby dream ever becoming a reality. (8 months only seems like a short amount of time when you're not in the midst of waiting for something miraculous to happen) On those doubting days, I ask for a sign to show me that I'm on the right path. Now granted, I WATCH for them.....but they do generally appear when I ask. Like the day I found the adoption success stories book at the dollar store and it was the only copy they had. Or, when out to dinner on my birthday, and the song playing as we entered the restaurant had the words "I must have done something right for you to come into my life". Or the dreams about my baby that other people keep having. But the best one, so far, happened yesterday.

I was at a class that I'm taking this summer about technology and the 21st century learner. They had us download a book onto our iPads. The intro to the book had an audio/video portion. When it came time for us to read the first chapter, I put my earbuds in and tapped the book to start. The intro plays, I'm watching a picture of the earth revolving and then the picture changes to a watercolor-y type silhouette of a person and a John Denver song starts playing. I recognize the song as one I downloaded for the baby because it seemed to fit. The title is The Gift You Are. I was thinking how cool it was that the author chose this song to go with the first chapter. But, as the song continued to play, I worried I wouldn't have enough time to read the chapter. I asked the instructor how to skip the rest of the song. That's when I found out NOBODY else got the John Denver song. My IPad somehow combined the book and the song. I swear I didn't touch it after I tapped the book icon! So see....my sign I asked for!

Oh....and please send prayers, good thoughts, good mojo, whatever you are best at and believe in for a new friend. She's going through a tough time and may be doing it alone. I'm sure she could use our love.

A gift

I got a gift for my birthday today. (Not THAT one--I would not be this calm, trust me!) As a kindergarten teacher, I do a lot for my kids that I figure they will never remember. We make butter and have Polar Express day and the leprechauns visit and we do jellybean math and raise butterflies and make bug shirts and so much more. It's time consuming and hectic and I do it because I love them and I want them to see school as an exciting, wonderful, magical place. But I don't figure they'll remember all that we did. And I really don't think they'll remember much about me.

A few weeks ago, I had a message on my voicemail at school. Turns out a former student wanted me to call her. It took a while to touch base, but, boy was it worth it. 

Tonight I got the best gift---I attended her high school graduation. This little girl, who was in my first kindergarten class, wanted ME to be at her graduation. 

So, if you ever wonder if all the time and money and energy and devotion and occasional heartache are worth it.......

                                               ...yeah, it's worth it. Because, sometimes, they do remember.

Goodbye 2012/13

As a teacher, my year does not begin on Jan. 1 like the rest of the world. My years begin in August and end, in a sense, in June. Each August I make my new year resolutions (I will refile papers every week, I will grade papers and pass them back every week, I will not make piles behind the Smartboard....) and by October I've usually broken every one. 

Every year in May I start feeling like time is moving too fast. I didn't get things done I wanted to do, concepts taught that I wanted the kids to know. Mostly, though, I'm regretting  that my time with my current class is drawing to a close. I've spent about 1,300 hours with these little people and I've grown to love them. They are a part of me and forever will be. 

This year, my class presented me a group gift of a "summer fun" basket. After the last book was read and the last hug given, I returned to my messy, empty classroom and looked in the basket. My room mom, sweet, sweet woman that she is, included my girls in my end of year gift. Yes, there were goodies for me....but the girls got goodies too! The picture above shows them checking out their loot.

This year, as I close out my room and finish report cards, I wonder if this will be my last summer of just me and the girls. I hope so. And if it is (but really, even if it's not) I'm so touched that my girls were thought of with such love. 

Message received

I just got back from a week spent with my aunt and uncle. It was tiring, physically and emotionally draining....and wonderful. Turns out, I was blessed to spend my uncle's last week with him. He passed 24 hours after I left. I am so, so grateful for the time we had together. My aunt is on the mend and handling the loss well. I'm grateful for the help I was able to provide her. I sent many prayers of thanks last week. I am especially grateful for God's perfect timing. I don't think last week would have been possible with a new baby along for the ride.

However....I'm home now, in the land of constant reminders. The holiday tomorrow is adding fuel to that fire. I'm not depressed, or angry, or bitter, or dreading the day......I'm just ready. Ready to be a mom...with all the highs, lows, sleepless nights, anxious days, love and laughter that will bring. 

I was perusing the adoption boards on Pinterest today. Normally, there's a lot of baby/adoption announcements, fundraising ideas, blogs, etc. Today, EVERY board I looked at had multiple "keep believing/it's gonna happen" type messages. These were a few of my favorites. 

I'll be saying another prayer of thanks tonight.

Prayers needed

About 2 months ago or so, I found out my uncle has cancer. We were told there were tumors in his esophagus, stomach and possibly bone involvement. Right before the diagnosis, he fell and banged up his ankle pretty badly to where he was having a lot of difficulty with mobility.  I've been calling every week for an update. He and my aunt are fiercely independent people---I've offered many times to fly out and help. My aunt always says they're managing ok.

A few weeks ago, my uncle lost the ability to walk. His legs were just too weak to support him. Last week, the doctor told them that, thanks to the radiation, the esophagus tumor was gone, the stomach tumor was greatly improved and he thought there was improvement in the bone as well. Through all this, my aunt's health has been declining. With his improvements, she finally went to the doctor for herself.

It's been very frustrating being so far away, with no real way to help. All my info on how he's doing comes through my weekly phone calls. My aunt was sounding fairly positive and optimistic for how things were going health wise for him, so I was optimistic as well.

Till last night. She called me from the hospital. She has pneumonia and fluid retention so bad "her insides are swimming in fluid" (the words of her doctor). She also has not been able to be truthful on the phone. They live in a small house, and my uncle listens when she talks on the phone. He gets upset when she says anything negative...feels she's giving up on him. He's much, much worse than we were led to believe. She honestly feels he has about a week left.

Not that this is easy for them....but this has been a big blow for me. Last summer, they took me to casinos and thrift stores, he grilled burgers for dinner and he worked on his truck. To go from that to the reality of who is now is hard. Very, very hard.

If you are a praying person....please pray. I don't want to lose either of them. I can't imagine losing both.

More fun finds

My friend bought a little blue chair like this for her daughter's first birthday. That daughter is now 8, they still have the chair, and every little one that visits their house loves that thing! I figured I'd keep my eye out over the years for one to set aside. Well, this one was a great price and in perfect condition! Not sure where I'll store it until the baby I don't yet have is old enough to use it.

The little folding chair was cute and cheap. Figured we'd use it camping or on the deck.

The giraffe toy is just cute. And a good price. Didn't find out till I got it home that it makes music every time the back wheels turn. That ought to be fun someday. :) 

This was actually one of the main things I was watching for at the sale. (Well, that and your gift Sheila ;) ) This is not the one I registered for, but is just as cute, is in good shape....and was way cheaper. My poor kid may never realize that you can actually pay full price for things! :) The jumper did not want to fit in my car. Once home, I found out that, once reassembled, it also does not fit through any doorways. :) Another item I need a location for.

I was proud of myself---- I only bought 2 outfits for MIA Baby No Name. :) Both too cute to not have. The package contains 15 embroidered diapers/burp cloths. Figured I'd better prepare in case I get a spitter. The green thing is a suction cupped crumb catcher place mat. My friend J highly recommended it. There's a baby sign language DVD, 2 SCOOBY plates (if you know me well you'll know why those made it into the bag), a cute cloth book and a changing pad to keep in the bassinet for those middle of the night diaper changes. I also got 2 bags of Dr. Brown bottles with a variety of nipples and a Bumbo seat.

These finds just made me happy. There's a giraffe nightlight and a sign for the baby's door. Once No Name is home, I'll put his/her name on the sign. 

So, there you have the fruits of my shopping labors. You'd think I'd be good to go for a while, right? Well......Sunday is half price day....and they gave me a coupon to use...so, we'll see. Oh, and they said they were anticipating new stuff to be dropped off. I feel a shopping day coming on....