Does blogger get PMS?

Was checking in on my blog, and saw that blogger was telling me I wasn't following any other blogs. Ummm....yes, I am! But, as of some point today, I wasn't. I'm in the process of adding them back in. Anyone know what happened?

On the blogging for myself front....not much to report:
*. Kadee had a fantastic weekend at flyball. I ran her and a border collie. As sweet as Solo is.....I will never have a border collie. :) Way too much energy and drive.
*Angel does a little better each day. I'll take whatever time I have left with her, as long as she's content and not in pain.
*I think I've decided to go ahead and move her out of the baby's room. (It's been her room for the whole 8 years we've lived here, but will be the baby's room someday) Part of my melt down last Friday was feeling like I was always going to doubt my decisions with Angel--I don't want to feel (if it comes to it) that I put her down just to be able to have the room.
* I'm looking forward to a day off tomorrow. Earned a free sub for a day--figured I could use it now after my very busy, started at 5 am both days weekend. Plus, it's snowing and cold. I can't tell you how happy I am to not have to drive in tomorrow morning with Southerners (no offense to all the warm weather folks) who think that all moisture from the sky is incredibly dangerous so they must drive 20 miles an hour, in the left lane, just in case it's icy.
* I'm hoping to figure out tomorrow how to add pictures to my posts. Just makes them more fun and interesting.

Well, that's it for the rambling. :)

On the roller coaster...

Anyone who has lived with and loved an elderly pet knows it's like being on a roller coaster. Some days are good, up days. Some days are not so good, down days. And you never know what you're going to get when you wake up in the morning. But you just don't expect to get both in the same day....

The last thing I do as I'm getting ready to leave in the morning is to check on Angel, fill her food and water dishes, add more hay and give her a treat. She will downright beg for that treat if I forget or think she's sleeping and try to sneak out without giving her one. I don't think she sees very well and I'm not sure how much she hears but she ALWAYS knows when I'm in the room.

This morning when I went in, she looked like she was just chillin'....lounging on her side looking so cute. When I added more food to her dish, though, she tried to get up and just couldn't. Now, she's 11, which is pretty darn old for a Holland Lop. She's been pretty shaky on her feet for a while now--- but moves around her cage, eats and drinks well, and begs for treats. She might have a tough time getting to her feet, but always has. Today, not so much. I figure, maybe she laid down on her good side and that's why she's having such a hard time. I reach over and help her to her feet. As soon as I let go, though, she falls over. I stand there for 10 minutes, holding her up, petting her, trying to decide what to do. I am NEVER early and not very often on time. At this point, it's 20 minutes past when I should have left the house. I can't call a sub-- they wouldn't be able to get there in time. Heck, I'M not going to get there in time. I finally decide, after making sure that she's had some food and a drink of water, to head into school. I left with a heavy heart, knowing that I was going to have to make that call that every owner dreads. I figured she had most likely had a stroke. It's Friday, which means our regular vet (who sees all the animals, including the class turtle and lizard) is off. Of course.

After getting to work (3 minutes before the bell rang), explaining things to my partner teacher and our aide, and figuring out coverage, I call and get an 11 o'clock appointment with one of the other vets in the practice. (Thanks Cathy and Emily for all you did to help me out today!) I come home, get Angel, and head off to the vet. In the car, I open the carrier so I can pet her. While we're driving to the vet's, she starts looking around, eating treats, grooming herself (!) and testing the blanket for any edible spots. My mom met me there. When we checked in, I asked the receptionist if the vet would check Angel over to make sure I'm making the right decision. They lead us to a room. There's a table with a nice, soft blanket on it. I take Angel out of her carrier and put her on the blanket, expecting her to fall over. Instead, she sits there like the queen of all and starts checking things out! She's sniffing around, asking for pets, nibbling the blanket.....and then the vet comes in. I'm still thinking last hurrah...one final burst of energy. He checks her over and says, while he'll support whatever I decide to do, he really feels she's dealing with a reoccurrence of an infection she's had in the past and some arthritis. He says, he thinks medication can get her through this rough spot. We're talking, I'm trying to decide whether to put her down, and she's sitting there washing her face! He basically said, since she's responding when I come in the room, eating and grooming, he didn't feel it was her time. Now don't get me wrong...I was very happy about this news! It's just that, after spending all morning trying to wrap my head around one outcome, it was kind of hard to shift gears so suddenly.

So anyway, she's home. She gets 2 meds twice a day for two weeks. Hopefully, she'll respond well and she'll get more stable on her feet again (cause, while she does great on a hard surface like the table or the carpet, she's still having issues in her cage). And if, after all this, I walk in the room one day to find that she has gone in her sleep, that will be ok. Or, if she doesn't respond to the meds, and quits eating and grooming, I'll make that horrible call again. Either way, at least I'll know I won't have sent her before either one of us was ready.

Karma can suck

Even when you're 5, karma can bite you in the butt....

Today, as we're coming in from recess, two of my little boys, E and R, tell me that a third boy, I, pushed them so that their heads banged together. Now, I had a rough start to his year, and was notorious for being overly physical. He's gotten A LOT better, but the kiddos are not so quick to change their image of him. After getting some more info, I realize that I was in the wrong, but didn't have time to deal with it right then because our book buddies are walking through the door. I tell E to remind me later so that I can have I fix it with E and R.

Not 2 minutes later, I comes up to me complaining that another child pushed him and he banged his head on the wall. I said, " Funny that you should say that 'cause R and E were just telling me that you pushed them and their heads banged together. Sounds like you just had the same thing happen to you." Honest to God, I looks at me with this look that clearly said, "Well, crap. Karma sure sucks." and walked away! I love that kid!

Happy, happy day

And not for the reason you are probably thinking. :) If you are new to my world, there's a little catch up needed. (And if you know this info already, feel free to skip ahead)

My little dog, Kadee, participates in flyball. It's a dog sport (and no, I'm not crazy) similar to a relay race. Dogs compete on teams of 4. They run down a track, jump over 4 jumps, hit a box, grab a ball and go back over the jumps. Kadee LOVES it!

The first weekend in December, we were at a flyball tournament (again..not crazy...I just love seeing those I love happy..even if they happen to have fur) when I noticed a rash on Kadee's chest. That night, she had blood in her pee. Long story short, after 4 days in the vet hospital and lots of money, Kadee was diagnosed with ITP. It's an autoimmune disease that causes her body to attack its own platelets. We went from a chance she wouldn't make it, to home on severely restricted activity, to gradual reduction of meds and return to "normal".

2 weeks ago Kadee went to her first flyball practice since getting sick. She had fun, but tired very easily.

Now, for the happy, happy......Kadee participated in a flyball demo at the stockshow today and loved it! She was fast and happy!! I was nervous the whole time....but she had a blast! She also enjoyed working the crowd and getting pets from all the kids. :)

I know to some people, she's "just a dog". But, to me, she (and Baylee and Cooper and Angel) is family. She loves me no matter what. She is always happy to see me...even if all I've done is take the trash out. She always forgives my mistakes and does not hold grudges. She cuddles with me every night and gives me a good excuse to stay in bed just 5 more minutes in the morning. When somebody is that devoted to you...how can you not be completely overjoyed to see them do something that you thought might never happen again?

Staying calm in an emergency

Let me start by saying that I am fully aware that raising dogs does not have much in common with raising children. For one thing, when the girls were babies, I was allowed, and even expected, to kennel them during the day. Now, I have a nice, large kennel that I would outfit with a potty pad and comfy bedding....but I'm sure there's not an agency anywhere that would consider that acceptable child care for an infant. Both girls also slept through the night almost right away and caught on to the concept of sleeping in very quickly. I just know that will NOT happen with the baby:).

The one similarity, though, is neither the dogs nor a baby can tell you when something is wrong or how bad it is. Tonight, the girls were happily chewing on bones from their basket. All of a sudden, Baylee comes trotting in from the bedroom with the funniest look on her face. It really looked like she was smiling. It was awfully cute, but I didn't get a pic. For one, I can't figure out how to get pictures from the iPad into a post and, secondly, about the time I was reaching for the iPad, I realized Bay was actually pretty freaked out. I got down on the floor with her, and that's when I realized she had that bone jammed behind her lower canine teeth. With her tongue trapped under the bone. Here's where the staying calm came in......as I'm turning the bone this way and that and reassuring Baylee that "it's just like a puzzle, if it fit over one way it's got to be able to fit again" and she's squirming and drooling and still pretty freaked, I was having to fight a slight panic moment of my own. While images of having to take her to the animal er (with the large bill that will create) where I'm imaging some guy using an electric saw to cut the bone are dancing through my head, I'm also telling myself to "stay calm. Freaking out isn't gonna help either one of us". (As I'm sure you've noticed, living alone for any extended period of time causes one to have conversations with self. And pets. And to pee with the door open, but I digress...) eventually, I turn the bone just right and it pops out of her mouth. Happy dog. Happy owner.

So, I'm feeling pretty smug in my "parenting in a crisis" capabilities.

Although......all bets are off when Baby has his/her first fever....or a cough....or sneezes funny....

Oh, and that bone is now in the trash. NOT going through that again. :)

Angel or devil?

So, you know how in cartoons, commercials, etc. they show someone with an angel sitting on one shoulder and a devil sitting on the other? The angel gives good advice, the devil, not so much. Well, apparently, I have an internal voice version going on. (That, or I'm slightly insane---which would probably put a crimp in any potential adoption, so let's go with onveractive imagination) Anyway, I've got something going on right now that has my two little voices engaged in battle. They're not really angel/devil, more optimist/pessimist. While I like Optimist's version of events much better, I find myself listening to and believing Pessimist's version more often. Now, I truly believe that good thoughts bring about good events and vice versa, so my question is.....short of expensive, long term therapy, a lobotomy, or copious amounts of alcohol (none of which sound very appealing), anyone have any ideas for getting Pessimist to shut up?

So....single motherhood?

A big part of my two year decision process was trying to decide if being a single mother was something I could really, truly do. I did not enter into this journey lightly ( remember the insane amounts of research I mentioned?). Now, a lot of that research and pondering and thinking was done in the privacy of my own home. I didn't talk to too many people about what I was contemplating. I mean, when you married folks are trying to conceive, do you keep all your family, friends and coworkers apprised of every..um....effort? So, I can totally understand why it surprised a lot of people when I told them of my desire and intention to adopt. But really, I've done my thinking and wondering and worrying and down right freaking out about the fact that it will be ALL ME ALL THE TIME. Ask my friends-- they all have kids and have been very kind about answering my endless "how do you handle...." questions.

All that being said, I do feel pretty confident in my abilities. I feel like I have an idea of what it's going to be like to navigate through a day as 2 instead of 1 (or 3). I'm prepared for the lack of sleep and extinction of the luxury of sleeping in (although, I reserve the right to whine about it; I love sleeping!). Looking ahead, I'm prepared for the home, homework, cook, homework, sleep, repeat cycle.  Do I think it's going to be easy? No. Do I think it's going to be all hearts and rainbows? No. Do I realize that this will be the hardest thing I will probably ever do in my entire life? Yes. But you know what? I wouldn't want to imagine my life any other way. I've had my sleeping in and lazy Saturdays where I didn't get dressed all day and all day shopping marathons and eating cereal for dinner. I'm ok leaving it all behind. Baby will be worth it. I'm ready.

Out of the mouths of babes

So, in my classroom (in Colorado--important info for later) we have one of those page a day dog calendars. The kids love it. Each day I tell them the name of the dog. Starting in January, I also read where the dog lives and we find it on our U.S. map or on the globe. I hang with these wonderful little people all day, five days a week and so it's sometimes easy to forget how little they really are and how almost everything is still new to them. Today, I read the name and then say "Hey guys! She lives in Colorado." I swear to you, HALF my class yells "Oh my gosh! I LIVE IN COLORADO TOO!" 😀


Also today.....this was my most happy moment.....

One of the little first graders, V, was in my class last year. This summer, I ran into her and her mom and  was asking the mom some adoption questions (V was adopted as a newborn). I told V my plans, which she was very excited about, but told her that she was going to be one of the only kiddos to know. Adoption is such a long, hard waiting game that I just don't think most little guys can handle the lack of a timeline or visible finish line. Anyway, V has been doing great--- she'll sometimes ask about the baby, or let me know she's been praying for the baby...but she'll always make sure no other kids are around.  Today, after school, V and her dad show up at my door and Dad says V has a question for me:

V: WHEN is the baby gonna come?
Me: I don't know, buddy. Hopefully soon. Waiting is hard.
V: But I've been praying and praying for, like, 14,000 years! I pray in the morning and at night and at dinner time too! 😊

So, not only am I praying (and a bunch of other friends and family, too) but this little 7 year old is FAITHFULLY praying on my behalf. That has got to count for something.....

They should have a disclaimer....

So, this is not the post I had planned for tonight, that one will come tomorrow instead. Because tonight I was watching "Private Practice". Actually, I was flipping between Private Practice and "Parenthood". Both have adoption storylines going on right now. Parenthood's story is ticking me off, though, so I was mostly sticking with Private Practice. Anyway, one of the characters has been raising a baby boy since his birth and tonight was supposed to be his finalization. I figured happy, feel good night. Since it's a drama, there were, of course, issues and the finalization was in jeopardy. Meanwhile, adoptive mom is also a doctor and delivered triplets. Cut to scene of her talking to the babies in the nursery and commenting that their parents were lucky because they got three and she just wanted one. You guessed it.....I immediately became a crying, blubbering mess...."Me too!".  I swear there MUST be adoption hormones! And, here's the point of this whole thing....they put warnings on shows for language, nudity, gore.....can they please also post "tearjerker" warnings?!? It would have saved me some tears (well, probably not, but I would have at least been prepared), the dogs a freak out session trying to figure out what they did wrong, and you from having to read this tirade. :)

Where to start?

Ok, so I guess I should start at the beginning. All journeys have to start somewhere--mine started about 2 1/2 years ago. I was nearing a somewhat important birthday, still single, still childless. At some point, you gotta start wondering if some things are just not in the cards. I'd dated, even had one or two I thought  might be in it for the long haul.....but, obviously, not so much. Anyway....my birthday got me thinking. Obviously time to rethink that whole timeline for my life I created somewhere around junior high. You know....married by 25, a few years just us, then start a family and have kid number 3 before turning 35. Yeah...that worked out real well. So...if the prince wasn't going to magically appear ( trust me, you can only kiss so many frogs), could I be ok with that? And, if I was ok flying solo, what about kids? 'Cause one thing I knew for sure was that I could not imagine the rest of my life without a child in it.

Fast forward a year. Still in the same spot, with the same questions. Only now, time feels like it's slipping away. Gotta come up with a plan soon, or be out of options. Really only had 2 anyway--- adoption or pregnancy as a single gal. Which, considering I teach at a Catholic school, was going to need to be miraculous to the point that I'd have to change my name to Mary. But, it did seem to be the way I was going to have to go. I mean, single people can't adopt. Right?

Jump to February of last year. I'm at a friend's daughter's birthday party and spent just about the whole time chatting with a new friend about adoption, agencies and choices. I left feeling very hopeful (thanks Christie!) and with a lot to think about. I did a lot of thinking and praying and researching (the start of the Internet obsession). One day in June, I woke up and just knew, in my head and in my heart, that adoption was the right path for me. It's been a long, sometimes stressful, sometimes complicated process....but I know it's what I am meant to do. It has definitely not been easy...but the good things in life rarely are.

Entering the blogosphere!

Don't know if that's even a term! But hey, here goes! So, in my quest to become a single mother through adoption, I have done an insane amount of research. Like, bordering on OCD tendencies. I've joined discussion groups, joined a support group for waiting parents, read all sorts of books, subscribed to magazines, googled every question I can think of....see what I mean? But my best advice and warm fuzzies come from reading others' blogs. Ok, maybe stalking would be more appropriate. Anyway, in my amatuer hunt (I am not very technologically savvy---most things operate by fairies and magic as far as I am concerned), I have not been able to find very many blogs by single women adopting domestically. Although, those that I have found, I am good at stalking! Hi Laura! So, that's how the idea for this blog got started. Maybe, if I'm lucky, my blog can help someone else starting on this journey. I hope I can offer support, maybe some sanity, hopefully a few giggles here and there. If nothing else, maybe someone else will realize that she is not the only one out there feeling slightly crazy for making this decision.