So, I just spent my weekend working on the baby's room. Pulling out carpet and padding, adding a new coat of paint to the walls, painting the door and trim and putting Kilz paint down on the floor. Busy hands....but my brain had plenty of time to wander. And think.
When I began this adoption process, I knew it would not be easy. I knew it would not be quick (as much as I want it to be). What I did not anticipate was how lonely I'd feel. The majority of the time, when I attend adoption events or read blogs or read books, it is assumed that I am pursuing adoption due to fertility issues. Which assumes that I have a partner, that I had the chance to even try. Don't get me wrong...I don't wish infertility and it's accompanying heartache on myself or anyone. But days like today, when I'm spending a butt load of time getting ready for a baby I don't even know for sure is coming...it would be so nice to have someone walking this road with me. Yes, I have my amazing and wonderful and incredibly supportive parents who are on this journey with me. Their road, however, runs slightly parallel to mine; their road includes concern that maybe I'll get hurt. While I share everything with my parents, I don't always let them know how scared I am that this might not happen. I figure they might have the same fear and carrying mine along with theirs seems too much to ask. Yes, I have a group of wonderful and supportive friends who I could reach out to at any time. But they have lives and families and children of their own and I'm sure I must sound like an obsessive broken record by now. What I don't have is someone to whisper my fears to at night or someone by my side to share the memories of the daily nitty gritty involved in becoming a parent through adoption.
So, yes, infertility sucks. Big time. But, it's not the only reason someone is led to adoption. Sometimes adoption is someone's first choice. And sometimes, even when adoption is your first choice, it's also your only choice. And some days, when you can't even see the tunnel let alone the light at the end of it, having it be your only choice kind of sucks.
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